H. N. Whitney

Random thoughts of avoidance!

Today in order to avoid housework I write, and work on projects. Funny usually I use housework and projects to avoid writing. Maybe the tide is shifting?

Have you noticed that spring has sprung? The trees are pink, and my strawberries arrived today. I am waiting for the drill to charge so I can hang that mirror, that I finished in the garage about six months ago. I have a table and chairs to finish painting, and then to reupholster the seats of the chairs. Also my other chair covers will arrive tomorrow; Whoot! Then I have a bunch of yard work that needs to be done next week, like weeding the raised beds, raking leaves, and planting seeds. I need to hang the backyard lights, and cut up the tree and burn it. And then yes I have all the spring cleaning inside to accomplish.

Anyone wanna come over and help??? No??? Well if you change your mind let me know… Enjoy your day! Love you!

All of life comes to me with Ease Joy and Glory!

All of life comes to me with Ease Joy and Glory! This is what I have been singing in the shower lately. I sing like I am auditioning for the Voice. I play with the words, the keys, and the tempo.

I often feel a bit embarrassed about singing; in or out of the shower. I wonder if I sound terrible, if it bugs my son, or whether the neighbors can hear me (I wonder if they can hear me do they look for a cat in heat or a Disney princess in locked in a tower). When I was in my early teens my brother told me I was tone deaf, he taunted me every time I sang. A few years ago I mentioned this to him and he casually said he was just teasing me; as if it was no big deal, as if I had not spent my life not singing in public (other than the car) ever since, in fear of ridicule.

I have to tell you that his words have always stuck in my mind; despite how many times people have said to me I have a pretty voice.

Today however I just said fuck it, I am singing for me and my beloved divine. I think that I sound lovely. Maybe I don’t but so what it sounds and feels good to me! So I sing!

Where were you ten years ago today?

I was standing in a wedding gown in the room, that my soon to be husband and I had rented; getting ready to walk down the stairs to the aisle where I would marry my best friend, in front of friends and family. To say I was blissfully happy is to understate the day completely. I was over the moon, I had everyone I loved there with me and to this day I smile and tear up when I think about it. It warms my heart and is one of my most favorite memories. I was happy!

Things I have not told anyone, the night before this day we fought, a fight we had already had several times. I was scared of making another mistake in marriage and I wanted answers to questions he had to this point never satisfactorily answered. You know those little niggling questions that raise the tiny flags that you can never quite let go of because something tells you they are not little at all. Once again they went unanswered, and he assured me that all was right with the world. I would eventually (four years later) get the answers to the questions I had been asking, and they would be the undoing of our entire marriage and life together.

There are times I wonder if I had had the answers what would I have done? Would I have cancelled our wedding, or gone through with it? I wonder if I had known in the beginning what I would learn later would we have continued together would we be together now? What would my life look like now if any of those things had come to pass? None of these questions have value now as I did what I did and there is no taking it back. Truthfully I don’t really want to change what was. It is clear that everything unfolded with divine timing. We came together at a time in which we needed each other and we created space for our children to grow into the amazing people they are today. Without this day ten years ago I would not be who I am today. My life today is a creation from that day and to change any part is to change me.

Ten years ago my life was so different, my dreams were different, and my choices were different. I look back and wonder what that girl would have done if I had told her all that would come to be in the next ten years? It is clear to me I am not that girl anymore, and it is by looking over the last decade that I can really see it, without that day this day could not be.

Over the last ten years I have travelled to Germany, Italy, Austria, England, Scotland, Dubai, and India. I have lived in another country, I have lived alone, and I have learned to make choices without advice (not always but more often than not). I have learned to hold my boundaries. I have learned that I like and love me. I have learned that I really enjoy being the hostess and cooking for people (it’s not just something that has to be done). I have made and lost some very close friends. I have learned that I do not require a boyfriend or a partner; I am ok just as I am. I have really enjoyed having time for me.  I know that am no longer willing to give up my me time again. I love my time on my own it grounds me.

It’s been a long road; I’ve grown in so many ways. I can honestly tell you I am Happy! I am grateful for ten years ago today, and every day that has come since. Thank you! Happy Saint Patrick’s Day (have a Ruby for me)

What is your magic number?

How old are you? How old do you feel? What does age mean to you?

I get asked my age frequently; sometimes straight forward and sometimes in a roundabout. I have found that recently I tend to answer this question with almost fifty as if I am twelve wanting to finally be thirteen; I have even just straight out said fifty, even though I am forty nine. Not until the end of this year will I be fifty.

I do not feel fifty, though I am not sure what fifty should feel like. I am rarely guessed anywhere close to my true age, and I think sometimes I just enjoy the shock people have at my age. Alright honestly I love the reactions. I have been hit on very strongly twice this week once by a 23 year old and the other a 26 year old. The first was very persistent that I come dancing with him and his friends, until I mentioned (purposefully ) that my 29 year old son had just gone up to comic con that day with my son in law. His reaction was wow I thought you were late twenties; your son is older than me (yep, and my son would say the same). The other just wanted to sit in the car and talk to me, and when I had to leave he just kept hugging me. This kind of thing happens all the time to me, and frankly always has. It happens more when I am just being me and not trying to be professional uber driver extraordinaire.

I keep thinking about time and how weird it is. Things like this year would have been my 10^th anniversary, and on the same day it will be my daughter’s sixth year anniversary. It has been five years since I have lived in the UK. My son is nine years older than I was, when I had him. It has been 35 years since I had my very first boyfriend. It has been 4 years since I went to India. My mother will be 75 in a year. I have been driving for uber almost two years. How is all of that not weird?

To many fifty feels like buying an RV and hosting campers in all the national parks. To me it feels like and expresso in Parisian cafe with a charming man. What does your age feel like to you?

Sometimes I am not ok.

Sometimes I am not ok and that is ok.

Sometimes I walk around the house singing random thoughts.

Sometimes I am so happy to be by myself I have to sing.

Sometimes I cry, and I have no idea why.

Sometimes I talk to plants, or to beings you cannot see.

Sometimes I am sad, and I know it is because you are sad.

Sometimes I get messages for you and I am guided to tell you.

Sometimes I am happy because I know something wonderful will happen today.

Sometimes I am not ok, and that is ok!

It is all ok! I have been this way as far back as I can remember; I have felt all of this and more. I have made excuses for why I am so… fill in the blank. I am done with excuses, this is me. Maybe I am weird? Maybe I am flighty, flakey, crazy, or off in la la land at first sight? However we both know I am real, as real as it gets. You may not agree with me, yet something tells you I am real, somewhere deep inside there is truth in my words.

This is me; I love you even when I do not like you. I wish wonderful things for you even when I cannot keep your drama out of my space. I think of you kindly even when I cannot be in your presence. I know I am here for something great, no matter how conceited that sounds. I am here to speak, I am here to love, and I am here to whisper you awake while I too awaken. Good Morning!