Numerology reading today said “It can be hard for you to move forward in life without a sharing and stable partnership. You have a sensitive nature that may make you a bit vulnerable, though allows you to reach deeper levels of love than most. You would do just about anything to make the one you love happy which makes you nearly the perfect companion.”(Head tilted in contemplation)
We hung the lights outside today. My lovely son in love, and my daughter came to help me. They are up and looking lovely. I love this time of year, my mother would wake up and make the world sparkly and beautiful. My favorite memories of my mother are cooking with my mom, she makes the best fudge and divinity.
Let’s try a little modification to an old song. How about the Twelve days to 50? I will be fifty in twelve days. This is so shocking to me! I don’t feel fifty, if anything I feel late twenties early thirties. I am excited to be fifty, not exactly sure why.
When I turned 20, I was very pregnant, three months later I would become a mother. My whole life changed. What a gift! It was not an easy transition, though I doubt it is for anyone. I made a lot of mistakes. My twenties brought two children, two long term relationships, one marriage, one divorce, my own home, and many new friends.
You know when I was 29 I was totally freaked out about turning 30, as if life as I knew it would just fall apart and or end. It didn’t.
In my thirties I lost a very close friend, which set in motion a series of events that would have me on the path of finding myself and my dreams. I would learn to travel on my own, eat by myself in a restaurant. Again there would be two long-term relationships, one marriage, we would blend families together giving us four children, though all four became teenagers, (not always easy, yet definitely worth every moment). I lost a parent, who to this day speaks to me in ways I would never have thought. We had the first of the graduations, many good friends, as well as many things we enjoyed doing.
When I turned 40 I was pretty happy, I had just gotten married. During my forties our kids grew up finishing high school and college, the oldest getting married and having a child; of her own. I was able to pursue my dreams more fully, travel internationally. Again there was a divorce, and this time I had to fully learn to stand on my own. I learned to shop for just one, I learned to set and hold boundaries, I learned to be me, and to like me. I made new friends and distanced myself from old friends. I learned that no matter how much you love someone you must choose yourself or be lost. I learned that it is ok to grieve as this is the only way to heal, and to not rush it. I had to make many hard decisions to become the person I am today. Today I am twelve days to Fifty.
Recently it broke. What broke; the wall, the barrier, the belief? I am not sure exactly what it was; I simply know it isn’t there anymore.
You know how sometimes you are sitting, walking, or driving along and someone pops into your mind. They just pop up for no apparent reason. Well I have had this happen a lot lately, and I pushed it back out and went about my business. However it becomes more and more difficult to deny when it keeps happening again and again. It’s especially weird in that these are not idol moments, these are not nostalgic places, I am actually engaged in conversations and tasks where my mind is far from this being, and Wham!!! Finally I had to conclude this is not me, this is them. That being must be thinking about me.
So as I do; I asked my ethereal peeps what’s up? Why does this being keep coming up, am I missing something? Is there something I need from this? Am I sending out something that is creating this? The response was, this person is loving you and all that you represented to them once upon a time; and that is when it broke. I actually felt it break, or fall away, whatever it was. I mean I actually literally in a physical way felt it shift. I thought maybe I had imagined it, that it was just my imagination fluffing me up.
I know it wasn’t my imagination, I know it was real. I know this because it has impacted every day since. From my dreams, to my thoughts, to the way people have been responding to me. I have had more people receive me, laugh with me, flirt with me, and fully engage with me in the last few weeks than I have in many years. (This is saying something; as I have interacted with more 12,000 people in the last two and half years of driving.) It feels good, it feels exciting, it feels joyful, it feels authentic!
Do you know what it was? I heard them, I finally received what they had been saying, and with that I forgave. I forgave you, and I forgave me, and my heart opened. Thank you, Thank you, and Thank you for this!
Today in order to avoid housework I write, and work on projects. Funny usually I use housework and projects to avoid writing. Maybe the tide is shifting?
Have you noticed that spring has sprung? The trees are pink, and my strawberries arrived today. I am waiting for the drill to charge so I can hang that mirror, that I finished in the garage about six months ago. I have a table and chairs to finish painting, and then to reupholster the seats of the chairs. Also my other chair covers will arrive tomorrow; Whoot! Then I have a bunch of yard work that needs to be done next week, like weeding the raised beds, raking leaves, and planting seeds. I need to hang the backyard lights, and cut up the tree and burn it. And then yes I have all the spring cleaning inside to accomplish.
Anyone wanna come over and help??? No??? Well if you change your mind let me know… Enjoy your day! Love you!
All of life comes to me with Ease Joy and Glory! This is what I have been singing in the shower lately. I sing like I am auditioning for the Voice. I play with the words, the keys, and the tempo.
I often feel a bit embarrassed about singing; in or out of the shower. I wonder if I sound terrible, if it bugs my son, or whether the neighbors can hear me (I wonder if they can hear me do they look for a cat in heat or a Disney princess in locked in a tower). When I was in my early teens my brother told me I was tone deaf, he taunted me every time I sang. A few years ago I mentioned this to him and he casually said he was just teasing me; as if it was no big deal, as if I had not spent my life not singing in public (other than the car) ever since, in fear of ridicule.
I have to tell you that his words have always stuck in my mind; despite how many times people have said to me I have a pretty voice.
Today however I just said fuck it, I am singing for me and my beloved divine. I think that I sound lovely. Maybe I don’t but so what it sounds and feels good to me! So I sing!
I was standing in a wedding gown in the room, that my soon to be husband and I had rented; getting ready to walk down the stairs to the aisle where I would marry my best friend, in front of friends and family. To say I was blissfully happy is to understate the day completely. I was over the moon, I had everyone I loved there with me and to this day I smile and tear up when I think about it. It warms my heart and is one of my most favorite memories. I was happy!
Things I have not told anyone, the night before this day we fought, a fight we had already had several times. I was scared of making another mistake in marriage and I wanted answers to questions he had to this point never satisfactorily answered. You know those little niggling questions that raise the tiny flags that you can never quite let go of because something tells you they are not little at all. Once again they went unanswered, and he assured me that all was right with the world. I would eventually (four years later) get the answers to the questions I had been asking, and they would be the undoing of our entire marriage and life together.
There are times I wonder if I had had the answers what would I have done? Would I have cancelled our wedding, or gone through with it? I wonder if I had known in the beginning what I would learn later would we have continued together would we be together now? What would my life look like now if any of those things had come to pass? None of these questions have value now as I did what I did and there is no taking it back. Truthfully I don’t really want to change what was. It is clear that everything unfolded with divine timing. We came together at a time in which we needed each other and we created space for our children to grow into the amazing people they are today. Without this day ten years ago I would not be who I am today. My life today is a creation from that day and to change any part is to change me.
Ten years ago my life was so different, my dreams were different, and my choices were different. I look back and wonder what that girl would have done if I had told her all that would come to be in the next ten years? It is clear to me I am not that girl anymore, and it is by looking over the last decade that I can really see it, without that day this day could not be.
Over the last ten years I have travelled to Germany, Italy, Austria, England, Scotland, Dubai, and India. I have lived in another country, I have lived alone, and I have learned to make choices without advice (not always but more often than not). I have learned to hold my boundaries. I have learned that I like and love me. I have learned that I really enjoy being the hostess and cooking for people (it’s not just something that has to be done). I have made and lost some very close friends. I have learned that I do not require a boyfriend or a partner; I am ok just as I am. I have really enjoyed having time for me.  I know that am no longer willing to give up my me time again. I love my time on my own it grounds me.
It’s been a long road; I’ve grown in so many ways. I can honestly tell you I am Happy! I am grateful for ten years ago today, and every day that has come since. Thank you! Happy Saint Patrick’s Day (have a Ruby for me)
How old are you? How old do you feel? What does age mean to you?
I get asked my age frequently; sometimes straight forward and sometimes in a roundabout. I have found that recently I tend to answer this question with almost fifty as if I am twelve wanting to finally be thirteen; I have even just straight out said fifty, even though I am forty nine. Not until the end of this year will I be fifty.
I do not feel fifty, though I am not sure what fifty should feel like. I am rarely guessed anywhere close to my true age, and I think sometimes I just enjoy the shock people have at my age. Alright honestly I love the reactions. I have been hit on very strongly twice this week once by a 23 year old and the other a 26 year old. The first was very persistent that I come dancing with him and his friends, until I mentioned (purposefully ) that my 29 year old son had just gone up to comic con that day with my son in law. His reaction was wow I thought you were late twenties; your son is older than me (yep, and my son would say the same). The other just wanted to sit in the car and talk to me, and when I had to leave he just kept hugging me. This kind of thing happens all the time to me, and frankly always has. It happens more when I am just being me and not trying to be professional uber driver extraordinaire.
I keep thinking about time and how weird it is. Things like this year would have been my 10th anniversary, and on the same day it will be my daughter’s sixth year anniversary. It has been five years since I have lived in the UK. My son is nine years older than I was, when I had him. It has been 35 years since I had my very first boyfriend. It has been 4 years since I went to India. My mother will be 75 in a year. I have been driving for uber almost two years. How is all of that not weird?
To many fifty feels like buying an RV and hosting campers in all the national parks. To me it feels like and expresso in Parisian cafe with a charming man. What does your age feel like to you?
Sometimes I am not ok and that is ok.
Sometimes I walk around the house singing random thoughts.
Sometimes I am so happy to be by myself I have to sing.
Sometimes I cry, and I have no idea why.
Sometimes I talk to plants, or to beings you cannot see.
Sometimes I am sad, and I know it is because you are sad.
Sometimes I get messages for you and I am guided to tell you.
Sometimes I am happy because I know something wonderful will happen today.
Sometimes I am not ok, and that is ok!
It is all ok! I have been this way as far back as I can remember; I have felt all of this and more. I have made excuses for why I am so… fill in the blank. I am done with excuses, this is me. Maybe I am weird? Maybe I am flighty, flakey, crazy, or off in la la land at first sight? However we both know I am real, as real as it gets. You may not agree with me, yet something tells you I am real, somewhere deep inside there is truth in my words.
This is me; I love you even when I do not like you. I wish wonderful things for you even when I cannot keep your drama out of my space. I think of you kindly even when I cannot be in your presence. I know I am here for something great, no matter how conceited that sounds. I am here to speak, I am here to love, and I am here to whisper you awake while I too awaken. Good Morning!
What is passion? More to the point what is your passion? Have you found it? Would you know it, if you had found it? What makes your heart sing, are you doing that?
What is it that speaks to your heart and makes you happy to get up and do each day? I don’t mean that thing you have to do. I don’t mean that thing you trained for years to do. I mean the thing that makes you happy.
Maybe it is looking at patterns in the water? Maybe it is planting trees? Maybe it is being the best mother you can be. Maybe your passion is building a better garbage truck, or maybe your passion is becoming a mortician?
So funny enough while driving for uber over Halloween weekend last October, I picked up a young lady from her friends home. I remember thinking she looked just like Lydia from Beetlejuice. When she got in the car we began discussing the movie and she was dressed up as a Beetlejuice character. Though you could see she had similar traits in her everyday lifestyle. It was a longer ride so we had plenty of time to talk. I asked her what she did as a job, and she told me she was an exotic dancer. I am not sure why but I truly am intrigued when I get answers like this, *probably because a part of me still has trouble believing someone would choose this* and I have to snoop. She had a bit of reluctance to say she liked the job, *yet she did not sound unhappy*. So I asked what do you want to do? What is your ideal career? She told me mortician. I have to say every judgement I could pull came up right then for me, even more than the dancer. You want to be a mortician? I asked and she said yes. I asked wouldn’t it bother you to work with bodies, and doesn’t that creep you out, etc.. she told me sincerely and with excitement no, and then she went on to tell me how fascinating it was; and that she had been studying the new ecofriendly ways embalming, and the different things that were changing this industry now. You could see the spark, the excitement, the passion she had for this subject. This was clearly what made her heart sing.
We often get caught up in what our own desires and beliefs are and forget to recognize it takes each of us to make this world. Someone had to choose it for it to be here. So what if what makes your heart happy is something you never thought would be ok? What if you are following someone else’s passion because you have been told yours is not valid, is too weird, that nobody dreams of that? What if we let each other follow their heart?
I believe we would have a much happier planet if we were each bringing our passion into this world.