Where were you ten years ago today?
I was standing in a wedding gown in the room, that my soon to be husband and I had rented; getting ready to walk down the stairs to the aisle where I would marry my best friend, in front of friends and family. To say I was blissfully happy is to understate the day completely. I was over the moon, I had everyone I loved there with me and to this day I smile and tear up when I think about it. It warms my heart and is one of my most favorite memories. I was happy!
Things I have not told anyone, the night before this day we fought, a fight we had already had several times. I was scared of making another mistake in marriage and I wanted answers to questions he had to this point never satisfactorily answered. You know those little niggling questions that raise the tiny flags that you can never quite let go of because something tells you they are not little at all. Once again they went unanswered, and he assured me that all was right with the world. I would eventually (four years later) get the answers to the questions I had been asking, and they would be the undoing of our entire marriage and life together.
There are times I wonder if I had had the answers what would I have done? Would I have cancelled our wedding, or gone through with it? I wonder if I had known in the beginning what I would learn later would we have continued together would we be together now? What would my life look like now if any of those things had come to pass? None of these questions have value now as I did what I did and there is no taking it back. Truthfully I don’t really want to change what was. It is clear that everything unfolded with divine timing. We came together at a time in which we needed each other and we created space for our children to grow into the amazing people they are today. Without this day ten years ago I would not be who I am today. My life today is a creation from that day and to change any part is to change me.
Ten years ago my life was so different, my dreams were different, and my choices were different. I look back and wonder what that girl would have done if I had told her all that would come to be in the next ten years? It is clear to me I am not that girl anymore, and it is by looking over the last decade that I can really see it, without that day this day could not be.
Over the last ten years I have travelled to Germany, Italy, Austria, England, Scotland, Dubai, and India. I have lived in another country, I have lived alone, and I have learned to make choices without advice (not always but more often than not). I have learned to hold my boundaries. I have learned that I like and love me. I have learned that I really enjoy being the hostess and cooking for people (it’s not just something that has to be done). I have made and lost some very close friends. I have learned that I do not require a boyfriend or a partner; I am ok just as I am. I have really enjoyed having time for me.  I know that am no longer willing to give up my me time again. I love my time on my own it grounds me.
It’s been a long road; I’ve grown in so many ways. I can honestly tell you I am Happy! I am grateful for ten years ago today, and every day that has come since. Thank you! Happy Saint Patrick’s Day (have a Ruby for me)
March 17 2017 04:44 pm | Uncategorized